I, Ociwen (reposoir) wrote in santa_smex,
I, Ociwen
reposoir
santa_smex

Happy Santa_Smex, Emmayori!

To: emmayori
From: nimori

Title: The Teenager's Guide to Teamwork
Recipient's name: emmayori
Rating: NC17
Pairing(s): Marui/Kirihara
Warnings: crossdressing
Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created by Konomi Takeshi. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.
Summary: If Marui has to be stuck with a non-Jackal partner, at least it's a gullible one.
Author's Notes: Thank you, V, for the beta. I hope you like it, emmayori!



"Dude, this is so gay."

From the other side of the tree Jackal grunted, and a page rustled. Marui snapped his gum.

"Seriously, I'm going to kill Niou for suggesting this." He didn't add that he was going to kill Sanada for agreeing to it, even though he totally was, as soon as Sanada shrunk a little and forgot all that kendo. "I'm talking blood on the courts, you know?"

"Uh-huh," said Jackal, like he thought Marui wasn't going to kill anyone. Marui scowled at the sky. Crisp blue. Perfect tennis weather.

"Teamwork exercises, what the fuck, man. Tennis isn't a team sport. Not like soccer, or something."

Silence from behind him. Belatedly Marui realized he might have hurt Jackal's feelings, because Jackal was a bit girly like that.

"And you know it's not even like real doubles practice, which is at least useful. I'm never playing doubles with that freak in a real tournament, so what's the point of teamwork training with him? What a waste of good practice time." Snap. Even his gum sounded pissed. Sanada had set a bunch of snot-nosed first years guarding the courts, or Marui would have tried to talk Jackal into a game instead of sitting under a tree doing nothing. Although really, hiding from Akaya on the tennis court was like hiding from Yanagi in the library. He laughed, and Jackal made an irritated noise and turned his page louder.

What a girl.

"You're such a girl."

"You're such a fatass." There was no heat to the insult though, and barely any interest, so Marui leaned back against the tree and blew a bubble. Then he blew a bigger one, trying to get it to touch his bangs.

"Senpai! Hey, Senpai!"

"Aw, crap." Marui's bubble popped in his face, all over his hair, and he'd forgotten what a mess that made. Akaya was jogging across the lawn, all flaily awkward limbs and hyper enthusiasm a puppy would be embarrassed to show. Marui jumped up. "How did he find us? Dude, come on, we have to run."

"Let's see," Jackal said, accompanied by a distinct lack of running. " A, this hiding spot sucks, so I'm only surprised no one else has found us. And B, he found you, not us. There is no us. Tennis isn't a team sport."

"You are such a fucking girl."

"A girl who has successfully evaded her assigned partner," Jackal said as Akaya bounced up, "which makes one more thing I'm better than you at."

"Senpai, what are you doing?" Akaya whined. "I've been looking everywhere for you. We're going to lose at teamwork and Sanada-fukubuchou is going to hit me and then make me run laps forever and then I'll be too tired to kick his ass before exams." He said all this as though it were some master plan of Marui's to fuck up his personal goals for the year, and Marui had to admit it would have been a funny plan if he'd thought of it. But really, he just didn't want anything to do with an exercise invented by Niou. And also Akaya was like the second worsest person to be stuck being partners with.

The worst, of course, was Sanada.

Who was striding across the lawn straight for them, Yagyuu – or possibly Niou, from the snickering that went on when they drew for teams – sauntering in his thundercloud wake. Marui grabbed Akaya's arm.

"Right, change of plans, partner," he said. There was no sound of objection from Jackal, and when Marui peeked around the tree, the bastard and his stupid gay book were gone.

"What change of plans, Senpai?"

Oh well. If Marui had to be stuck with a non-Jackal partner, at least it was a gullible one. Unfortunately he was also a perpetually broke one, so that left out ramen. And the arcade. And pretty much everything else fun in the entire world. "Right, plans. The second half of the exercise is homework, so we're going to my house-- Wait, did you say you got a Wii for your birthday?"

"Uh-huh, but what--"

"We're going to your house and practice our teamwork there." Marui looped his arm through Akaya's and began steering him away, keeping him carefully turned away from their incoming vice-captain. Across the lawn, Sanada scowled harder and sped up to a jog.

Marui grinned at Akaya and then bolted, calling over his shoulder, "Race you there!"

Akaya squawked and charged after him without a glance behind.


*


"I don't see how me watching you play is going to improve our teamwork," Akaya grumbled. He was slumped on the couch, kicking the table leg and glaring at Marui's guy, who was currently kicking alien ass.

"That's why you suck at doubles, my dear little kouhai. Besides, you only have one controller. Who the fuck only has one controller? Die, you slimy fuck."

"My sister broke the other one. No, no, go left here, go left."

"Shut up and let me work my genius."

"Senpai, you're gonna--"

Marui died.

"This game is so gay." He threw the controller at the Wii. It skittered under the table instead. "Don't you have any better ones?"

"I have Tennis," Akaya said, stealing a glance at the pair of racket bags slumped together in the hall. "But it's kind of lame, so maybe we can play real--"

"No." Sanada would be checking the neighbourhood courts by now. "We're here to improve our synergy, remember?" Niou was so lame. Wii Tennis was lamer than lame. The guy wouldn't even do any flips, no matter how hard Marui hit the buttons. "Don't you have any money? I'm hungry."

"I needed new shoes," Akaya said, like that was an excuse for weaseling out of treating his senpai. "But my sister probably has some." He sat up, expression brightening.

"As your senpai, I should discourage you from stealing." Marui rolled over on the floor and his stomach growled. He kicked Akaya's leg. "Well? Go get it."

Kirihara Akako was a bigger slob than Marui, only in pink. Every surface in the room was cluttered with girly crap; it looked half the shops in Harajuku had thrown up over the bed and floor. She couldn't possibly have enough money for ramen if she bought that much crap. What kind of selfish sister didn't save enough money to treat her little brother and her little brother's senpai? And it wasn't like she made it up in other ways. Akako had nice tits, but that was about all she had going in the friend's-hot-older-sister department.

"She hides stuff in her underwear drawer? Seriously?"

"I dunno," Akaya said as he rooted through piles of lacy things. "She thinks I'm afraid of her bras or something. Oh, ew." Akaya dropped a box of condoms on the floor.

"Hurry up, I'm starving." Marui bounced on his toes, then scooped the box of condoms. He was already spinning a tale of genius seduction to impress Jackal and possibly, if he put a lot more creative effort into it, Niou.

The search for ramen money turned up nothing but condoms, birth control pills, fifteen yen, a diary filled with nothing but 'Akaya-kun is a loser' written over and over, and more condoms.

"Dude, why didn't you tell me your sister's a whore?" Marui asked, bouncing the fifteen yen in his hand.

"Because she has a boyfriend and he's bigger than that guy from Hyotei, the one that's always following Atobe. I don't really care if he kills you, only after the Nationals, please, Senpai." Akaya flopped on the bed. An avalanche of clothes and magazines slid off. "This blows. We have no money, Mom's not home to cook, Sanada-fukubuchou is going to hit me tomorrow and we're losing to Niou and Yukimura-buchou. You suck, Marui-senpai. I want a new partner."

"I'm a great partner."

"We're not doing anything. I don't want to lose because you think teamwork is watching you play my Wii."

"Teamwork, huh." Marui snapped his gum. There was no way he was doing any of the things on the list Sanada had passed around. Standing face to face and mirroring each other, letting Akaya catch him like some fainting girl.... Stupid Niou and his stupid ideas, trying to get them all to act like idiots. Mind, Marui didn't care if Akaya looked like an idiot. "Okay, okay. I got one. Take off your shirt."

"What?"

"Now who's a sucky partner?" Marui smirked.

"Fine, fine." Akaya yanked off his shirt, leaving his hair an even bigger mess than before. He folded his arms across his bony chest and glared. "There. Now what?"

Oh, to be so young and stupid. "Here." Marui snapped one of Akako's bras at him. "Put this on."

"Is this really part of the training?" Akaya wore the same wavering expression he had when Sanada had called him an idiot for thinking Santa Claus was real. Marui wasn't about to sit Akaya down and have a heart-to-heart about the power of belief and the beauty of innocence like Yukimura had, though.

"Akaya-kun, who planned this exercise?" he asked, instead, and Akaya's face fell.

"Niou," he mumbled, and took the bra.

It was very pink and had an impossible number of straps and hooks and weird embellishments like bows and lacy hearts, and Akaya, despite all the opportunities afforded by having an older sister, had even less idea what to do with it than Marui. But they got it on him, stretching it awkwardly across his chest, which had looked so narrow until they stuffed it into a bra. And then Marui insisted on padding it with tissues, because it just looked weird otherwise.

"Now what, Senpai?" Akaya asked in his meekest I-am-biding-my-time-but-someday-I-will-kill-you-all voice.

"Skirt," Marui said cheerfully. "You want to win, right? You want to beat Yukimura and Niou, right?"

"I guess." Akaya took the skirt, suspicious but obedient. If Marui had only known how easy it was to convince Akaya to dress up as a girl for the sake of the team he would have tried years ago, preferably in a place where Niou and Yagyuu could see and be awed by his pranktastic genius.

One skirt, two high-heeled shoes and an injudicious application of Strawberry Kiwi Cooler lipstick later, Akaya was wobbling around the living room like a drunken crane, trying to balance a book on his head. He kept sticking out his tongue in concentration and smearing his already-smeared lipstick. Marui wished he'd remembered to charge his phone. Pictures would have made his year.

"We'd better kick ass in the doubles tournament," Akaya muttered. He kept dropping the book because he wouldn't stop looking down at his own tissue-enhanced chest.

Marui decided not to tell him there would be no tournament, because Jackal couldn't possibly play with anyone but Marui, and Sanada had spent the entire day inflicting cooperation on everyone else instead of doing his own gay exercises with Yagyuu. And Yukimura, as awesome as he was at everything else, was a really crappy at doubles; anyone on the court ended up fair game, even his supposed partner. All of that meant there would be no fit challengers for Marui and Akaya when it came time to prove themselves.

Marui was gracious enough to accept a win by default.

"Stop looking at your own tits," Marui said as the book crashed to the floor again.

"I can't help it. They're all weird and pointy. How do girls walk around like this?"

Marui had never seen a girl walking around in a bra and skirt and high heels and smeared lipstick, but he really really wished more of them would. "Stop complaining. Real tits bounce. And jiggle. And--hey, do you have any balloons?"

Akaya didn't, so Marui opened a bunch of condoms and filled them with water, at which point Akaya really got on board with the plan, because while water balloons were awesome under any circumstances, no teenage boy anywhere had the power to resist water condoms. It was genetic. Or hormonal. Or something.

"Ew, they're slimy. And cold. Why did you use cold water?"

"Because I didn't realize you'd be such a whiny girl about it," Marui said. "Stop squirming." Akaya's nipples had tightened to little points as Marui packed the condoms into the bra. He was determined to get a C-cup at least, but the condoms weren't cooperating. One slipped out and burst against the tiles, and they both snickered. "Okay, okay, turn around."

Akaya did, and he had tits. They were strange and lumpy but they jiggled and they bounced and that made Marui very happy.

"I don't have to walk around with a book on my head anymore," Akaya said to his tits, "do I, Senpai?"

"No." Marui tried to think of something else to make Akaya do that was both hilarious and jiggly.

"Good," Akaya said, and walked into the doorframe. Marui grinned.


*


"You're supposed to be learning teamwork, aren't you? Hold still and let me practice."

"Fine," Akaya grumbled, and flopped back unhelpfully.

Marui took it as a challenge to his powers of seduction -- after all, girls might not exactly turn around and present their bra clasps for unhooking, which, Marui decided, had been the whole point of the exercise all along. He shifted closer and put an arm around Akaya's shoulders. Akaya grunted.

"Why are you touching me?"

"You expect me to get a girl's bra off without touching her?"

Akaya grumbled and eyed the Wii controller with an expression of profound regret. Marui looked down at his fake tits. They'd lost some of their appeal as they settled into weird shapes. The bra was still nice though, pink and lacy and dark in spots from the water. He wondered if Akay's nipples were still hard, wondered how that worked for girls. He leaned in closer.

"You smell nice."

"No, I don't," Akaya said, blowing his role yet again. He actually did smell nice, just not in a girly sort of way. More like a sweat-and-clean-laundry sort of way. Marui slipped a hand between the couch and Akaya's bare back, and let his fingers play over the damp skin. Akaya shivered. "Senpai, you're kind of freaking me out."

"Shut up and let me get to the bra, dumbass."

"Oh." Akaya blinked and squirmed a little and then seemed to rally. "Right. You smell… well, you don't stink. Want to take off my bra?"

"Idiot." Marui wriggled closer, pressing his thigh to Akaya's. Akaya's breath was suddenly very loud. "Girls don't just offer like that. You have to talk them into it."

"Make up your mind! Do you want me to cooperate or resist?"

"Pretend to resist but really cooperate. Don't you know anything about girls?"

"No."

"Dude, you suck. Where's Jackal when I need him? Jackal's already practically a girl. Okay, look, you're a girl."

"Right."

"And you want me to feel you up but you don't want me to think you're easy, so you're not going to do anything to help but you're going to give me as many opportunities as you can without looking like it. Got it?"

"Um."

"Just sit there and don't move. And shut up. God." Marui gave up on seduction and felt along Akaya's back, searching for the clasp, trying to remember why the hell he'd thought this was a good idea, other than the fact that this was probably going to be his only chance at perfecting bra-removal before it really mattered. Akaya only fidgeted and looked bored. Probably not a good sign, if he were really a girl. But he very clearly wasn't.

"Thanks for blowing the fantasy, brat," Marui said, still fumbling for the clasp, still not finding it.

"Marui-senpai? You are so gay."

"You're the one in the skirt."

"You're the one trying to feel me up."

"Feel up what? You have the worst boobs ever and where the hell is the hook on this thing?" He yanked a strap.

"Don't you insult my boobs," Akaya said. "I like my boobs. Besides, you made them, so it's your fault if they suck."

Marui gave up on unhooking the bra and eyed the lumpy saggy wet boobs in question, locked away forever behind an impenetrable barrier of pink lace. What should he do? A real girl would have laughed at him by now. Maybe he ought to just skip the bra removal and go straight for gold. Start small, so to speak. Right. He cupped one and squeezed, expecting something spectacular even though he knew it was fake. Instead it felt weird and gross and wrong. There was too much give, and the condoms were shifting and sliding under his hand and--

"Senpai!" Akaya gasped and clutched at Marui and then they were both shrieking laughter at the water sluicing down Akaya's stomach, heedless of the upholstery.

"Senpai, you popped my boob!" Akaya yelled and Marui grinned and reached for the other one. Akaya flailed, all elbows and knees, and Marui used his gymnastic prowess to fling himself across Akaya's shifting lap and the condom balloons tumbled out and burst and not all in that order.

"The couch is all wet. My mom's going to freak." Akaya didn't sound worried though and only squirmed under Marui. His lipstick was smeared halfway to his ear.

"It's not a big deal." Marui smirked. "It happens to everyone."

"Shut up, fatass."

"Make me, brat."

"I would except your fat ass is crushing me."

"You're pretty mouthy for someone who has wet condoms hanging out of his bra." He reached in and pulled one out, then another. At the last one he slowed down and deliberately let it drag over Akaya's nipple, trying to peer down the bra to see if they were still hard.

"Senpai. That's cold." Akaya shivered. He sounded weird, like he was trying not to cry.

The deflated bra didn't look as bad as it had before. Marui reached back with both hands and undid it in one motion.

"Dude," he said. "Am I a fucking genius or what?" Then he realized he had both arms around Akaya, that he was sitting on his wet and half-naked kouhai and holding a pink bra, and probably looking like the gayest gay who ever gayed.

"Hey," Akaya said, "are you gonna, you know, get off me? 'Cause I'm just saying, you're not in a good spot right now."

"Afraid you'll get a stiffy?"

"Senpai," Akaya said slowly, as if he were speaking to someone very slow and not a supergenius like Marui, "you're sitting on my dick. Of course I will."

Marui tensed. His dick decided that Akaya's had the right idea and contemplated joining in. Akaya had green eyes. Marui had never noticed before, but it was really... Shit. "If you're dressed as a girl, does it count as gay?" he asked, a little desperately.

Akaya considered this very carefully. Then he put his hands on Marui's hips. "I think it does, Senpai. I'm sorry. But I won't tell anyone you dressed me up in my sister's clothes and tried to make out with me."

"God, I hate you." Things were firming up under Marui's butt. And Akaya was wearing a skirt, and how hot was that? Marui dropped the bra. Akaya's nipples were still hard. Marui gave in and touched one; it was firm but yielded to the pressure of his thumb. Akaya sucked in a breath and did something with his hips that almost sent Marui tumbling to the floor. But then suddenly they were a lot closer because Akaya had an arm around his waist and was pulling him in while pushing up, and he was a lot stronger than he looked and things were going seriously wrong between Marui's legs. Seriously, seriously wrong.

This whole mess was clearly Jackal's fault for being such a girl that his girliness had reached epic levels of contagion.

Akaya didn't seem to care in the slightest and was now kneading Marui's ass in a way that was both alarming and really, really hot. And he was panting in Marui's ear, which wasn't as gross as Marui would have thought ten minutes ago.

It's the skirt, Marui thought, a little hysterically, and let himself squirm against Akaya. The bony angles did nothing to discourage his dick. In fact, his dick rather liked the angles. And it really liked Akaya's dick when they met, totally by accident, through Marui's shorts.

"Oh jeez," Marui said, and gave up pretending he wasn't humping Akaya like a dog. Akaya said something incoherent, and got a hand between them and squeezed and that turned Marui's thoughts to pudding. Someone got his shorts open and the skirt hitched up even higher and then there was heat and spit and four callused hands that didn't care what they grabbed as long as they didn't stop moving.

"Senpai," Akaya breathed, right in his ear, all shiver-inducing and sexier than his stupid annoying male kouhai had any business being. "Can I put it in you?"

"What?" Marui sat back. "No! You're the girl. I put it in you."

"But Senpai, I'd be really careful. And you can do me after." Akaya stopped touching him and his eyes had narrowed and his gaze turned sharp and Marui realized Akaya was trying to play him and he remembered just how fast their scary demon prodigy learned.

"Akaya-kun, I'm your senpai. I should teach you these things, which means I do you first and then if you pay attention you can do me." As if.

"Promise?"

Marui grinned. "Trust me."

And Akaya did, which was part of the problem. Marui just couldn't take advantage of that. Well, not too much. Not without taking care of him, too.

And there was one area of expertise in which Marui had supreme confidence in his abilities.

He slid back and pushed Akaya's skirt up to his waist, and that sounded so wrong but was pretty damn hot. He'd never touched another guy's dick until five minutes ago but he had plenty of knowledge on the subject of dicks in general, and his own in particular. It was almost cute the way Akaya jumped and gasped like a big virgin, and a little flattering too, because Akaya's eyes rolled back a bit.

"I give the best handjobs," Marui said. He never had, but that wasn't the point. He'd be the best anyway. Akaya made a funny little noise that was about as hot as the skirt, and clutched at him. Marui shifted his grip, and then leaned in and kissed Akaya's neck because he'd always wanted to. Well, not Akaya's neck in particular, usually just some faceless imaginary girl. But Akaya was good too, maybe better because he didn't smell like flowers, only sweat and clean laundry and a little bit of Strawberry Kiwi Cooler lipstick.

The angle was wrong but he firmed his grip anyway, unsettled at the strange experience of an erection in his hand and no corresponding pleasure. Watching Akaya's face though, that was almost as good as feeling it. Akaya wasn't even pretending not to like it. He probably couldn't.

His face had scrunched up and gone all red. He thrashed a bit and Marui sped up even though his wrist was starting to hurt and Akaya grunted and went boneless, trembling and limp against the couch, leaving a gross mess on Marui's hand.

Marui wiped it on the couch.

"I am so the best," he said, pleased at further proof of his genius, even in areas as diverse as jerking off another guy. He tried to catch Akaya's eye, but he'd shut them.

"The best at being gay," Akaya said, and flung an arm over his face.

Marui smacked him. "Come on, brat. My turn. Show me what you've learned."

Akaya dropped his arm. He looked like he was going to protest, then thought better of it. He shrugged, spit in his hand, and cupped Marui's dick. He stroked once and his hand was so warm and soft and damp and it wasn't anything at all like Marui's own and he jerked, electrified, and came all over Akaya's fist.

Two-point-eight seconds, said avoice in his head, a voice that sounded a lot like Renji. Kill me now.

"Not one word," Marui said, eyes closed.

"But, Senpai--"

"Shut it."

"I was just going to say--"

"Akaya."

"That was really cool."

Marui opened his eyes. Akaya's were shining and puppy-like and frighteningly earnest.

"You are such a fucking moron," Marui said.

"We should do teamwork exercises every day," Akaya said. "What are you doing after practice tomorrow?"


*


"So I totally got laid yesterday," Marui announced to the entire club in the locker room.

"Uh-huh," said Jackal.

Practice was back to normal, but Marui felt like he'd been run over by a cartoon steamroller. Sanada had hit Akaya, and chased Marui all the way to the girls' basketball courts because Marui wasn't stupid enough to stand there and take it like a man like Akaya was. He still got a punch in the arm and had to run twice as many laps as Akaya but it was worth it just to see Sanada thumping full out after him.

And best of all, Yukimura had been smiling serenely through practice while Niou was pale and wild-eyed and probably wishing he'd never heard the word 'teamwork'.

"I did so," Marui said. He pointed at the evidence on his neck. "See? She was a total wildcat."

"You did that yourself," Jackal said without looking up from his bag. He was searching for his book. Marui knew this because he'd personally thrown it behind the toilets.

"Did not. Those are totally teeth marks. You can't fake those."

"Wow, Senpai." Akaya came over and pretended to inspect the mark he'd made. And he had made it, even if Marui had refreshed it that morning with a nail file. "That's so cool. Was she hot? I mean really really hot? Like so hot you would totally let her be the guy next time?"

Across the locker room, Yukimura's head snapped up and his placid smile vanished. "Marui, you didn't."

Marui, caught under his captain's terrifying stare and the sudden rapt attention of the rest of the team, weighed the merits of another sprint across campus so soon after the last, and decided that all told, he'd take his chances. He dropped his towel, leapt over the bench, and ran for his life.

He really didn't want the last thing he heard to be Akaya shrieking: "Buchou, don't kill him, I haven't got my turn yet!"

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